I've Got to Buy My Own Coffee for Awhile

I am sitting in a coffee shop in a town outside of Pittsburgh.  I came here to focus and get some work done for awhile, including writing, since its been too long since my last post. I am currently juggling two entrepreneurial endeavors, one is in full force and has a deadline and the other is only capped in time by my own mind and expectations.  Needless to say, there is a lot to be done. 

So I find myself at a coffee shop outside of Pittsburgh while visiting family, trying to get in a couple of hours of focused work in between laughter and board games. The pressures of 31 being right around the corner and a legislative session and trying to say yes to all of the things that seem to align with my journey, to build a network of women who together will change the world and also trying to live up to the societal definitions of what it is to be female, have gotten me a little turned around. For the past few weeks I have been kind of hoping someone would just come save me. Tell me the answers. Do it for me. Show me the way. There has to be a freaking roadmap for all of this, right? 

I am not alone in my desires for a knight in shining armor-and I am not even talking about just the romantic kind. Nor am I far off from somehow fulfilling some prophecy from my youth. The guy always saves the girl. The guy always comes for the girl when she finally decides to try to do it on her own.  He swoops in, with his abilities and makes shit happen. Making her wonder why she ever doubted him in the first place. Guys are president. Guys are CEOs. Guys are in charge. All that topped with this concept that my gifts are best used in the home.  Some days I feel like I give the world a little bit of my true self and kind of wait to see what the response may be; asking the question "Is it okay to be me?". Then if I don't feel an overwhelming acceptance of that part of myself I reconsider and ask,  "Should I go back inside and recalibrate?" 

The truth is, I asked for all of this responsibility.  Last year I wrote in a daily journal about my need to lead, my desire to champion something and be a part of something bigger than myself. Well, prayers answered.  But they don't prepare us for what that means.  The road less traveled is extraordinarily isolating. When I asked my father over dinner the other night who he consulted when he made all of his big decisions he simply said, "I didn't consult anyone. I didn't doubt that I knew what was best." 

What a concept. 

So I've been searching for a few weeks for the person who is going to come save the day.  I keep testing those around me to see if they know better, if they have the answers, if they are going to tell me what move to make next. And no one is stepping up.  To be quite honest some of them are just practically refusing to step up.  Denying me the support I am begging for.  And when they do that I become angry at them for not knowing. What do you mean you don't know? Society told me that you have all the answers. What's up with that?

And I am wavering constantly on which move is the right move and it is causing this undeniable chaos inside of me. When you combine chaos with unnecessary recalibrating you get 20 hours of Netflix and a woman who was supposed to be changing the world hiding inside away from it all. And I think it's because the woman inside of me, the strong, capable, independent, fiery, beautiful woman is tired of me running around asking for the answers and she just wants me to take over.  She says. "Screw recalibrating we've got what it takes".  She wants me to stop seeking permission. She wants me to save the day. What kind of plan is that, though? Where is the safety net in that plan? Like, I am not going out there, (gasps) alone...

And so I sit here in this coffee shop and I contemplate what it would mean to go it alone. To take the reigns, stop seeking permission, stop wishing there was a perfect plan and just freaking jump.  And a man walks over to tell me that he is thankful for my beautiful smile and asks, "Do you need a coffee?"  And here in this moment, in this coffee shop I decide to simply say, "Thank you, But I've got to buy my own coffee for awhile."

Baby steps.